Stages of Grief
by blahblah11
Summary: What Jack went through after learning the truth about Irina. I know they're usually about death, but...whatever. This story is a series of vignettes showing Jack's reaction to the symbolic 'death,' the illusion of Laura.


Denial

The CIA has known there's been a breach for months. He'd even been helping them investigate it, because he suspected an agent in his unit was responsible. When they'd called him in that day he was sure they'd were about to tell him what he already knew.

He's confused beyond words.

"Wait, what are you saying?"

But Laura was a teacher, how could she leak information? She was born in Connecticut. I met her Mother. This can't be true, you've made a mistake."

"Jack, just look at the profile."

"This makes no sense absolutely no sense, contact me when you've got something concrete"

Anger

He sits in the cell, and feels the rage burn him up, eat at his insides. He feels like there's _nothing _he can do to rid himself of this feeling. He doesn't even want to. If he stops being angry it will mean her betrayal means less to him and he will never, ever feel anything less than murderous towards her.

He lies on the bed in his cell and imagines what would have happened if he'd discovered her when they were married. He makes up scenarios in his head like finding her in his briefcase and bashing her head in.

He dreams, again, again and again of killing her. Of taking a knife and driving it slowly into her chest. Or shooting her multiple times. But no, that won't do. It'd be over too quickly and he needs for her to suffer. To understand that she has not got away with this.

Bargaining

He can repay the debt he owes himself by burying himself in his work and damaging the KGB as much as they've damaged him. Nothing else matters. Sydney is unimportant, she just reminds him of _her._

If he can complete this mission, that assignment, obtain information from this person, he will have proven to himself that he's not so fucking useless after all. He needs to destroy the KGB. His colleagues tell him he's taking too many risks, but he ignores them. He's got nothing to lose anyway, and everything to gain. If he dies, so what, he'll do it punishing the people responsible. Then they will be even.

Depression

He can't help it. He thinks about her all the time. He analyses every moment, every action, every experience. It drives him insane and all he can do is drink. He gets drunk every single night without fail just to stop himself from overanalysing to the point where he could cry in frustration. What did she do the time she supposedly visited her parents? Did she murder his partner Gary? Because she had been in the same suburb as him that day, and it was suspected the KGB was responsible. How many different ways did she obtain her intel? What was she thinking when they made love? Did she find his disgusting?

But he can't cry. He drinks more and more. The next he morning forces himself into a suit and tie and goes into the office none of his co-workers can guess he passed out that night on his bed, in his clothes, drowning his sorrow in a glass of scotch.

The years go by. He drinks less and is less of a wreck but always, constantly, there's a feeling in the pit of his stomach. It's her. She won't leave him. He sees her every time he looks at Sydney. He can't bring himself to be close to her because she looks at him a certain way, rolls her eyes, does her hair, and there, he's looking at Laura and the feeling in his stomach clenches and his broken heart sinks.

Acceptance 

When he sees her come out of the forest in Guatemala, later hears her story of capture and torture something inside him clicks. She's the Mother of his daughter. She was doing a job. He's unsure if he feels that they're even now or if he just understands, but he stops being angry or depressed, and wonders how he let her ruin his life or why his anger towards her kept him from expressing his love for Sydney while she was growing up. He'll never forget or forgive but he can now, 25 years later, accept.


End file.
